How to Stop Being Codependent

Being considerate and flexible are great qualities to have in a healthy relationship. However, it crosses into unhealthy territory when you lose your sense of self to appease others. If you find yourself over-relying on others for approval or sacrificing your own well-being to accommodate a partner, then you may be codependent. 

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Codependency is an unhealthy condition that can cause you to lose your individuality and make you prioritize someone else’s needs over your own. It’s rarely a choice and can be tricky to navigate because it stems from deep-rooted issues that affect multiple behavior patterns. 

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That being said, with the right amount of self-awareness, therapy, and support, you can regain your identity and form healthy relationships. Let’s take a deeper look into what codependency is, where it comes from, and the steps you can take to treat it.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person excessively relies on the other. This forms a one-sided relationship where one person acts as the “giver” and the other acts as the “taker”. Typically, the “taker” exhibits dysfunctional behaviors that prove to be detrimental to both parties.

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Codependent “givers” often enable the mutually damaging behaviors of the “taker”, while sacrificing their sense of identity and their own well-being. Although a codependent relationship is unhealthy and harmful, it can be extremely difficult for the codependent person to free themselves from it. 

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Check out our full guide on codependency for a full in-depth look at the causes and effects of codependency in your relationships.

How Does Someone Become Codependent?

Codependency can be caused by deeply-rooted trauma that affects the thought processes of the trauma victim. This trauma normally stems from relationships where the victim feels like their love has to be earned in some way, rather than it being given unconditionally. There are many factors that can lead someone down a codependent path though, including:

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• Dysfunctional Family: if someone experiences abuse or neglect in their childhood, they may develop codependent tendencies due to a warped view of what a relationship should look like
• Addiction: if someone is attached to a person with an addiction, they will often overlook their flaws and take on the role of an “enabler” 
• Low Self-Esteem: someone with low self-esteem will have a damaged sense of self-worth and have difficulty establishing boundaries, which makes them prone to codependent relationships
• Mental Health Disorders: someone who suffers from other issues like anxiety and depression can lead them to a codependent relationship, and these issues only make it harder to free themselves from it

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In general, there are a variety of factors that can lead someone towards a codependent relationship. However, it is often due to an underlying trauma that damages the self-worth of the codependent person. Seeking the correct treatment and therapy will help the codependent individual bolster their self-esteem and establish the boundaries needed for a healthy relationship. 

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Want to learn more on how codependency can lead someone to take on the role of an “enabler”? Read our guide on codependency and enabling for a comprehensive guide on these behaviors.

Putting an End to Codependency

The first step in breaking free from codependency is identifying how it affects you. Codependent behaviors can develop over a long period of time and often go unnoticed as a relationship forms. By regularly identifying how codependency is affecting you, you can begin to develop new and healthy habits. 

Some questions you can ask yourself to keep codependence in check are:

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• Is my mood and happiness determined by this person?
• Can I express myself honestly without fear of retaliation?
• Do I feel guilty asking for my own needs?
• Do I feel guilty when I have to declare boundaries?

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Although this isn’t an all-inclusive checklist, it’s a good starting point when determining if you’re leaning towards codependency. If you find yourself answering “yes” to these questions, it’s important to stop and consider that these behaviors aren’t healthy for you or the other person. 

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Another point to consider is it isn’t your fault that you are codependent. As previously mentioned, there are numerous ways that these behaviors can develop. Codependency is your way of reconciling your past with a strategy for your current relationships. Although it may seem like the easiest or safest way to a happy relationship, there are better and healthier ways to achieve the same goal. 

Help Others by Helping Yourself

It may seem counterintuitive, but the best way to heal your relationships is by helping yourself make healthy decisions. This involves rediscovering yourself by establishing your core values and setting clear boundaries to protect them.

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It is important to remember that you can’t control what others do, only what you can do. As you make time for yourself and self-improvement, your identity and your needs will become more apparent.

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Another way to help yourself is by seeking the guidance of trained professionals. Professional therapists can help you identify how codependency is harming you and your relationships, as well as provide you the tools you need to overcome it. Therapists that are specialized in trauma and codependency issues are an invaluable resource needed to help you regain your happiness, establish your self-worth, and heal you and your relationships. 

If you feel like you are ready to overcome codependency, schedule a call with Sequoia Behavioral Health to start building stronger relationships. We can help you address codependent behaviors and the traumatic experiences behind them. Reach out today.