7 Stages of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a term that can easily be misunderstood. From a plain reading, people might think it refers to when people with trauma in their past use that trauma as a common ground to create a relationship or friendship. Unfortunately, it’s much more insidious than that.
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a reaction to abuse. This theory was proposed by Dr. Patrick Carnes in 1997. Dr Carnes created the idea of trauma bonding to refer to the relationship a person has with their abuser. This relationship is perpetuated by the cycle of abuse and isn’t reserved for romantic relationships. It can develop between parent and child, between family members, kidnaper and captive, and even cult members and cult leaders.
Stockholm Syndrome is the Most Famous Example
Stockholm syndrome refers to the phenomenon of a captive forming and defending a relationship with their captor. This term was coined after a real-life hostage situation in which the victims refused to testify against their captors and even raised money in their defense. A well-known example of this phenomenon, as silly as it may sound, is Beauty and The Beast.
You’re not wrong to think trauma bonding sounds a lot like this phenomenon. Stockholm syndrome is considered to be a type of trauma bonding.
The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding takes place throughout multiple abusive cycles. It can happen quickly or over a longer period of time. The circumstances will look different for everyone, but there are similar characteristics in all cases.
1. Love Bombing
This first stage might not seem like a problem, and it’s hard to detect any form of abuse coming. Love bombing includes smothering someone in love, affection, gifts, compliments, etc. It’s a way for the abusive partner to hook the victim into a relationship.
It’s not easy to detect but the level of affection and gifts is probably too much.
2. Creating Trust and Dependency
After the relationship has begun, the abuser will start making false promises for a fake future. They may promise children, marriage, awesome vacations—anything to make the person think they’ll be around in the long run.
3. Criticism
After trust has been established, the love bombing will start to wear off. The abuser will stop giving so many gifts and slowly change from affectionate and complimentary to cold and critical.
They’ll begin finding flaws and picking at them. These criticisms are followed by apologies and more love bombing that act as positive reinforcement. This is done as an attempt to keep them close.
Often, they will begin criticizing things that they used to compliment. Things begin to flip and it can be very disorienting and disheartening for those who experience it. However, this tends to happen slowly, making it difficult to detect.
4. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is an emotional manipulation tactic used to make victims feel “crazy” and doubt themselves. When someone is duped into doubting their feelings, emotions, and perceptions, they are much easier to control. In the case of trauma bonding, it is used to make victims doubt that they are being abused.
By telling the abused person they are exaggerating things or imagining them, they continue the abusive behavior.
5. Resignation
As the abuse persists, any shot at healthy communication is all but lost. The lines of communication have become broken and any communication about relationship problems is impossible. The victim will begin to submit to the abuse.
Victims will begin to fawn to appease their abuser and lessen any abuse. They might feel that something is wrong or know they’re going through an abusive situation, but it becomes very hard to leave.
6. Loss of Self
From here, the abuser has a tight grip on the victim's sense of self and any personal needs or desires. Those being abused will neglect their own health to appease their partner; in fact, appeasing their partner may become their identity.
Victims will begin to isolate themselves from family and friends. This is often in response to a demand from the abuser. It can also be a result of love bombing or dependence.
7. Emotional Addiction
People can become psychologically addicted to abusive relationships. The good times can release the same reward hormones as most substances and bad times release the “stress hormone” cortisol. Releasing high levels of cortisol is what creates feelings of withdrawal just like drug addiction.
Recognize When You’re Caught in the Cycle of Abuse
The signs of trauma bonding might be imperceptible at the beginning, but there are ways to recognize them and break free.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you consider if you’re caught in the cycle of abuse:
- Are you lying to friends and family about what happens in your relationship?
- Do you defend their behavior to friends, family, or even yourself?
- Do you feel like what you’re experiencing is your fault?
- Do you feel an imbalance of power in your relationship?
- Does your partner promise they’ll change or make promises for the future they never follow through with?
- Are you more isolated from friends and family since the relationship began?
The cycle of abuse is slippery. It’s not an easy thing to get out of, and it takes bravery to start the process of recovery. With years of abuse, the damage could be extensive.
After experiencing long-term relational abuse, your brain might associate love with abuse. This can cause people to unknowingly be drawn to the cycle with another person.
Break the Trauma Bonds
This is easier said than done, but it’s not impossible. Breaking the cycle of abuse might take multiple attempts—that’s ok. Similar to substance abuse, emotional abuse can feel like it defines you and the cravings for the good times at the beginning of the relationship are powerful.
Living through abusive relationships can lead to complex trauma and c-PTSD. Both of which can lead to large health problems down the road.
Recognize the Nature of the Relationship
The first step to breaking trauma bonds is recognition. Call a spade a spade and begin to notice the hardship the toxic relationship is causing in your life. Examine the way other people talk about their partners and compare it to the way you feel about your relationships. Do they experience their relationships differently than you?
Just like substance addiction, recognizing that a change is needed is the first step toward making that change.
Focus on the Present, Not the Past
Often abusers are narcissists and they're likely not to change. You might have good, happy memories from the relationship, but the past shouldn’t keep your present in an abusive situation. Love bombing is a facade to reel people in.
Do you currently feel loved in your current relationship? Respected? Loved?
Cut All Contact
Again, often easier said than done. Not only do you have the emotional addiction to contend with, but the isolation the abuser creates often leaves a person without a support system to help. Reaching out for counseling is a great next step, and there are support groups available for help.
Focus on a bright future without the cloud of abuse hanging over you.
Seek Counseling
The lack of support many victims face after leaving an abusive situation is one of the biggest hurdles victims face. Seeking help through counseling is a great way for people to find support. Therapy guides people to positive talk and helps them rebuild their self image.
Sequoia Behavioral Health can help you recover after these relationships by offering tools to help you re-establish healthy relationships that may have been lost while being manipulated. We’ll also treat any underlying mental health problems such as low self-esteem, attachment trauma, or depression.
Break through the bonds of an abusive relationship and find yourself again at Sequoia Behavioral Health.