Stages of Grief
COVID-19 impacted routines, social lives, school, work, and more. Not only did it cause the loss of normalcy, but the loss of lives around the world. For many, the pandemic and personal grief became inseparable. Even now, years after the onset, many are still reeling from the pandemic’s devastating impacts.
Most people conceptualize grief as a reaction to death. However, grief can transpire whenever our reality is not what we hoped for, expected, or wanted. While it may arise from a loved one's death, it can also occur from a breakup, divorce, layoff, or any other life-altering change.
Grief is our attempt to process change and protect ourselves after losing an intended future. It is both personal and universal. It doesn't follow timelines or schedules, nor is it ever neat or linear.
There are commonalities within each stage, but the grieving process is as unique as the person experiencing it.
What is a Grieving Process?
The grieving process refers to how loss affects a person over time and what steps they take to cope. In this way, the grieving process is both passive and active.
Grief is passive because a person often has no choice when experiencing sudden loss. They will be emotionally affected by the premature end of a planned future or the death of a loved one.
Grief is active in how people choose to respond to loss. Normal, healthy mourning involves stages that help cope, process, and accept the new reality.
How Many Stages of Grief are There?
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, published the 1969 book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified that grief occurred in five stages. Later known as the Kübler-Ross model, the observations derived from decades of work with terminally ill patients.
Grief hits in waves, which people refer to as "stages." While people may experience them in a different order or revisit one (or several), they are typical for everyone. Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief are the most widely known, but they're not the only model.
The 5 Stages of Grief
The five stages of grief continue to be the most influential and foundational interpretation of the grieving process. Also known as DABDA, the Kübler-Ross model consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Grievers may experience only some of these stages, as they are not linear. The following are examples of stages one might share after a death in the family.
Denial
Denial can appear as avoidance, procrastination, forgetfulness, distraction, or mindlessness. It can feel like shock, numbness, confusion, or shutting down.
"This isn't happening. They're not gone."
Anger
Cynicism, irritability, pessimism, sarcasm, physical or passive aggression, or alcohol and drug use—All of these fit in the anger stage. It can feel like frustration, impatience, resentment, embarrassment, rage, or being out of control.
"Where is God in this? This wouldn't have happened if they'd cared for themselves more!"
Bargaining
Bargaining may appear as perfectionism, judgment towards self or others, comparison of self to others, overthinking, worrying, or ruminating on the future or past. Guilt, shame, blame, fear, anxiety, or insecurity are all examples of bargaining.
"If only I'd called them that night. We could have stopped this. They would still be here."
Depression
Depression can appear as reduced energy, social interest, or motivation. It can lead to changes in sleep and appetite, sudden crying, and increased alcohol or drug use.
"I don't know where to go from here. How do I continue without them?"
Acceptance
Acceptance can appear as mindful behaviors, being present in the moment, the ability to be vulnerable, honest communication, adapting, coping, and engaging with reality as it is. It might feel like courage, validation, self-compassion, pride, or wisdom.
"My heart will hurt for a long time, but I feel fortunate to have had so many wonderful years with them."
The 7 Stages of Grief
Kübler-Ross later added to her original model to encompass a broader range of emotions. The expanded model became known as the seven stages of grief. Below are examples of the stages one might experience from a breakup or divorce.
Shock and Denial
A state of disbelief of numbed feelings.
"They wouldn't do this to me. They'll be back tomorrow. I'm fine."
Pain and Guilt
Self-blame or the feeling that loss is unbearable.
"What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me?"
Anger and Bargaining
An attempt to regain a false sense of control after feeling helpless.
"If they'd give me another chance, I would be better."
Depression
A period of isolation or loneliness.
"I'll never have another relationship."
The Upward Turn
A calm and relaxed state has replaced distressing emotions.
"The end was hard, but I could see myself in another relationship in the future."
Reconstruction and Working Through
Finding meaning and growth with concrete actions.
"I need to reevaluate that relationship and learn from my mistakes."
Acceptance and Hope
The gradual acceptance of the new reality and feelings of possibility for the future.
"I have a lot to offer another person in time."
The 12 Stages of Grief
It's normal for someone to experience ups and downs of moods, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. It's rare to move through them sequentially. The twelve stages of grief translate into the fundamental understanding that emotions from grief can be difficult to predict.
- Healing takes place over time
- Grief is universal, and grievers are distinctive
- Shock is the introduction to the grieving process
- Grief can cause depression
- Grief can cause health problems
- You might panic, and that's okay
- Grief can cause guilt
- Grief can cause anger
- Grief causes intense emotions
- Grief causes a lack of purpose and direction
- Hope brings healing and vice versa
- Acceptance means your loss has changed you but has not defeated you
Learning the grief stages and how you uniquely experience them can increase self-compassion and understanding. Moreso, it can help you clarify your needs and prioritize your mental and physical health.
Is Grief Treatable?
Therapy focused on trauma and stress is the most common and beneficial treatment method when you find grief creates obstacles in your everyday life. Support groups, bereavement groups, and individual counseling can help you work through unresolved grief.
Counseling in no way "cures" you of your loss. Nothing could. Instead, grief counseling provides you with coping strategies to help you effectively manage your mourning process.
Occasionally, physicians may temporarily prescribe medication alongside therapy to treat symptoms of grief. Your doctor may recommend medication to help you sleep. Sedatives, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medications can help with daily functioning.
Don't be alarmed if your experience with grieving seems to fit a different model. The Kübler-Ross Model is a tried and true guideline, but there's no "correct" or "incorrect" way to grieve. Personal experiences vary as people move through the stages of grief.
How Long Before I Stop Grieving?
Grief can be painful, and it's natural to wonder when it will end. After all, sometimes it can feel like that ache in your chest will never go away.
The grieving process differs for everyone, but many consider acceptance the final step. Acceptance doesn't mean you feel good about the loss or that what happened is okay. It's not and never will be. However, this stage is about acknowledging that you can't alter what has happened.
Acceptance means that you've come to terms with your loss and have learned to live in this new reality. One day, you'll wake up to find that you don't hurt as badly. Your pain will feel more manageable, and you will feel more "happy" than "sad" when recalling old memories.
Grief will never come to a complete end, but you can grow around it. Permitting yourself to be happy again and allowing yourself time to mourn is crucial.
How Can You Recover from Grief?
Recovering from grief is particularly challenging if you're continuing to experience trauma. Persistent, traumatic grief can cause you to cycle (sometimes quickly) through different stages, triggered by your nervous system's stress response.
Call a doctor immediately if you experience thoughts of suicide, feelings of detachment for more than two weeks, or sudden changes in behavior. If you, or someone close to you, is having trouble coping with a loss event, seek treatment from a health professional or mental health provider.
At Sequoia Behavioral Health, we understand that acceptance can be difficult when things feel so completely unacceptable. If you feel overwhelmed by grief, loss, or trauma, you don't have to battle it alone. We offer caring support and guidance through the grieving process. Contact us today for a consultation.