Stages of Grief

Most people conceptualize grief as a reaction to death. However, grief can transpire whenever our reality is not what we hoped for, expected, or wanted. While it may arise from a loved one's death, it can also occur from a breakup, divorce, layoff, or any other life-altering change. 

Grief is our attempt to process change and protect ourselves after losing an intended future. It is both personal and universal. It doesn't follow timelines or schedules, nor is it ever neat or linear.

There are commonalities across stages, but the grieving process is as unique as the person experiencing it.

What is a Grieving Process?

Losing someone, something, or even intangible things can be emotionally heavy, and it’s not a weight someone can lift off of themselves overnight. Over a period of time, someone will experience a gauntlet of emotions about their loss and what that means for their future.

The grieving process refers to how loss affects a person over time and what steps they take to cope. In this way, the grieving process is both passive and active. 

• Grief is passive because a person often has no choice when experiencing sudden loss. They will be emotionally affected by the premature end of a planned future or the death of a loved one. 

• Grief is active in how people choose to respond to loss. Normal, healthy mourning involves stages that help cope, process, and accept the new reality. 

Grief hits in waves, which people refer to as "stages." While people may experience them in a different order or revisit one (or several), they are typical for everyone. 

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The 5 Stages of Grief—The Kübler-Ross Model

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, published the 1969 book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she conducted decades of work with terminally ill patients and identified five distinct stages of those grieving patients.

The Kübler-Ross model continues to be the most influential and foundational interpretation of the grieving process. Also known as DABDA, the Kübler-Ross model consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

Grievers may experience only some of these stages, as they are not linear. The following are examples of stages one might share after a death in the family.

Denial

Denial can appear as avoidance, procrastination, forgetfulness, distraction, or mindlessness. It can feel like shock, numbness, confusion, or shutting down.

"This isn't happening. They're not gone."

Anger 

Cynicism, irritability, pessimism, sarcasm, physical or passive aggression, or alcohol and drug use—All of these fit in the anger stage. It can feel like frustration, impatience, resentment, embarrassment, rage, or being out of control.

"Where is God in this? This wouldn't have happened if they'd cared for themselves more!"

Bargaining 

Bargaining may appear as perfectionism, judgment towards self or others, comparison of self to others, overthinking, worrying, or ruminating on the future or past. Guilt, shame, blame, fear, anxiety, or insecurity are all examples of bargaining. 

"If only I'd called them that night. We could have stopped this. They would still be here."

Depression 

Depression can appear as reduced energy, social interest, or motivation. It can lead to changes in sleep and appetite, sudden crying, and increased alcohol or drug use.

"I don't know where to go from here. How do I continue without them?"

Acceptance 

Acceptance can appear as mindful behaviors, being present in the moment, the ability to be vulnerable, honest communication, adapting, coping, and engaging with reality as it is. It might feel like courage, validation, self-compassion, pride, or wisdom. 

"My heart will hurt for a long time, but I feel fortunate to have had so many wonderful years with them."

The 7 Stages of Grief—The New Kübler-Ross Model

Kübler-Ross later added to her original model to encompass a broader range of emotions. The expanded model became known as the seven stages of grief. Below are examples of the stages one might experience from a breakup or divorce.

• Shock and denial: "They wouldn't do this to me. They'll be back tomorrow. I'm fine."
• Pain and guilt: "What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me?"
• Anger and bargaining: "If they'd give me another chance, I would be better."
• Depression: "I'll never have another relationship."
• The upward turn: "The end was hard, but I could see myself in another relationship in the future."
• Reconstruction and working through: "I need to reevaluate that relationship and learn from my mistakes."
• Acceptance and hope: "I have a lot to offer another person in time."

The 4 Stages of Grief—the Bowlby-Parkes Model

Psychiatrists John Bowlby (a pioneer of attachment theory) and Collin Murray Parkes created a theory of how people experience grief specifically in situations where they lost a loved one. 

• Shock and numbness
• Yearning and searching
• Disorganization and disrepair
• Reorganization and recovery

This theory notes that grief is not a linear process, similar to the Kübler-Ross model. Bowlby and Parkes mentioned how someone can return to certain stages, skip certain stages, and stay “stuck” in certain stages for a long time.

The 12 Stages of Grief

Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief are the most widely known, but they're not the only model. 

It's normal for someone to experience ups and downs in moods, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. It's rare to move through them sequentially. The twelve stages of grief translate into the fundamental understanding that emotions from grief can be difficult to predict. 

1. Healing takes place over time 
2. Grief is universal, and grievers are distinctive
3. Shock is the introduction to the grieving process
4. Grief can cause depression
5. Grief can cause health problems
6. You might panic, and that's okay
7. Grief can cause guilt
8. Grief can cause anger
9. Grief causes intense emotions
10. Grief causes a lack of purpose and direction
11. Hope brings healing, and vice versa 
12. Acceptance means your loss has changed you, but has not defeated you

Learning the grief stages and how you uniquely experience them can increase self-compassion and understanding. Moreso, it can help you clarify your needs and prioritize your mental and physical health.

What is the Difference Between the Different Stages of Grief Models?

What sets the 12 stages of grief apart from the Kübler-Ross model and the Bowlby-Parkes model is that there isn’t one creator. Many mental health professionals have taken the accepted models of grief and expanded on them, adding more nuance and a range of emotions that are common for those in grief. There isn’t one universal 12-stage model, but there are very similar ones accepted by the mental health community.

We all know that grief is caused by many, many things. Grief can look different depending on what a person lost. Kübler-Ross was created to describe the grieving process for terminally ill patients, mourning the life they don’t get to live. Bowlby-Parkes describes the grieving process for those who lost a loved one.

Is Grief Treatable?

Therapy focused on trauma and stress is the most common and beneficial treatment method when you find grief creates obstacles in your everyday life. Support groups, bereavement groups, and individual counseling can help you work through unresolved grief. 

Counseling in no way "cures" you of your loss. Nothing could. Instead, grief counseling provides you with coping strategies to help you effectively manage your mourning process. 

Occasionally, physicians may temporarily prescribe medication alongside therapy to treat symptoms of grief. Your doctor may recommend medication to help you sleep. Sedatives, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medications can help with daily functioning. 

Don't be alarmed if your experience with grieving seems to fit a different model. The Kübler-Ross Model is a tried and true guideline, but there's no "correct" or "incorrect" way to grieve. Personal experiences vary as people move through the stages of grief.

How Long Before I Stop Grieving?

Grief can be painful, and it's natural to wonder when it will end. After all, sometimes it can feel like that ache in your chest will never go away. 

The grieving process differs for everyone, but many consider acceptance the final step. Acceptance doesn't mean you feel good about the loss or that what happened is okay. It's not and never will be. However, this stage is about acknowledging that you can't alter what has happened. 

Acceptance means that you've come to terms with your loss and have learned to live in this new reality. One day, you'll wake up to find that you don't hurt as badly. Your pain will feel more manageable, and you will feel more "happy" than "sad" when recalling old memories. 

Grief will never come to a complete end, but you can grow around it. Permitting yourself to be happy again and allowing yourself time to mourn is crucial. 

How Can You Recover from Grief?

Recovering from grief is particularly challenging if you're continuing to experience trauma. Persistent, traumatic grief can cause you to cycle (sometimes quickly) through different stages, triggered by your nervous system's stress response. 

Call a doctor immediately if you experience thoughts of suicide, feelings of detachment for more than two weeks, or sudden changes in behavior. If you, or someone close to you, is having trouble coping with a loss event, seek treatment from a health professional or mental health provider. 

At Sequoia Behavioral Health, we understand that acceptance can be difficult when things feel so completely unacceptable. If you feel overwhelmed by grief, loss, or trauma, you don't have to battle it alone. We offer caring support and guidance through the grieving process. 

Contact us today for a consultation.